Preview of Azriela Jaffe's book ... "Starting from No, Ten Strategies to Overcome Your Fear of Rejection and Succeed in Business" (Dearborn, April 1999)   ORDER THE BOOK Introductory Chapter:

He picked up the phone that first day eager to begin. Suddenly the phone weighed fifty pounds; he had to put it back down. He wasn't going to be one of those salespersons who bothered everyone he knew. The idea of selling to his family and friends made him feel a little queasy. His throat felt thick; the garden needed tending; the kitchen sink needed fixing. Maybe he'd make a few calls tomorrow instead, when he felt more up to it. He would investigate joining some business and community organizations and locate new clients through networking. He knew he had a great program to offer that could save his clients thousands of dollars. All he had to do was prospect. Maybe tomorrow. . .

A few months later, Stephen had performed admirably for a few clients but they were few and far between. It wasn't getting any easier to pick up the telephone. With his wife's encouragement, he decided to invest a few thousand dollars in sales training and coaching. He was an accountant, not a salesperson; he needed help learning how to sell his services. He moved out of the home office to an office building. Though concerned about the increase in his overhead expenses, he hoped that a less distracting environment would be more conducive to prospecting. Most importantly, he needed to get away from his wife's judgmental eye, before the tension that was building between them destroyed their marriage. He didn't feel like her knight in shining armor anymore. He had fallen off his pedestal, and the climb back appeared insurmountable.

Stephen didn't want to let his wife down. He didn't want to disappoint his kids. He didn't want to return to a corporate job. He had serious incentive to make this work.

Three sales coaches and several months later, clients were still scarce, and Stephen's self-esteem and bank account had taken a nose dive. The sales training and coaching he received gave him insight into the source of his troubles, yet it only made him feel worse. Now armed with an arsenal of sales techniques, all this motivational talk made him feel that he should be able to sell his services to anyone. Yet, he still couldn't pick up the phone to prospect for clients. The clients he served were pleased with his contribution - he knew he had something valuable to offer. Yet Stephen, a brilliant accountant and aspiring entrepreneur, had run across an obstacle he didn't predict and couldn't overcome: fear of rejection.

Eighteen months after its launch, Stephen reluctantly closed down his business and returned to a corporate job as an accountant. In time, since he was well-respected by his clients, he would have acquired enough new business through word of mouth and referral, and he could have prospered as an entrepreneur. Time, however, had run out. His wife had a once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity which necessitated her quitting her corporate job - the one that was largely supporting the family. They had three children to support, and another on the way. They could no longer wait for the momentum of word-of-mouth referrals, or until Stephen prevailed over his fear of rejection.

I know all too well the suffering of entrepreneurs like Stephen. Stephen is my husband. Our experience as a new entrepreneurial couple spawned my first book, HONEY, I WANT TO START MY OWN BUSINESS: A Planning Guide for Couples, published by Harper Business in 1996, two years after Stephen started his business. (The publishing contract was the reason I quit my corporate job as a Human Resources Director for a large organization). Stephen has been gracious enough to share his personal struggles with a nationwide audience, to help other men and women who are now walking in his footsteps. The pain of his ordeal has not entirely dissipated for him, a fact made clear to me when we were recently watching a television program that raised a fun but quite serious question. "If you could have one wish granted - anything you wanted - what would it be?" Stephen replied: "I'd like to be the world's best salesperson."

Stephen's unexpected difficulties and those of hundreds of entrepreneurs with whom I have spoken, planted the seeds for this book. However, confronting my own battles with rejection and criticism as an author, columnist, and professional speaker, most inspired me to write a book dedicated to addressing the challenge of coming to peace with rejection and criticism.

Before I became a full-time author and speaker, I took two stabs at being an entrepreneur: both efforts were thwarted by my inability to handle rejection. In the mid-1980's, I experienced fabulous health benefits from taking a product manufactured by a network marketing company, Matol Botanical. As occurs for many MLM'ers, my excitement about the product's results stimulated me to spread the word to my friends and family, thus launching a part-time network marketing business quite naturally. At the time, I was working in a corporate job I didn't enjoy and I began to fantasize about my sideline business growing enough so that I could quit my job. That never happened. My fear of rejection got in the way. After I sold the product to everyone I knew who would listen to me, it was time for me to sell to strangers. That's when my fledgling business dried up. My dedicated upline sponsor tried to take me by the hand and show me how to sell, but at that time my self-esteem was too fragile and the potential of rejection too devastating for me to be willing to endure its pain. My short-lived MLM business never did take off: I consumed several cases of the product over the next few years instead.

The following year, still in a corporate job that stifled my creativity and made me want to climb the walls by 4:00 in the afternoon, the entrepreneurial bug bit me again. I moved from a full-time position as a Human Resources Director for a major corporation, to that of a Human Resource Consultant. I lined up my first consulting assignment before I quit my job, to make the transition easier on my bank account. That assignment lasted five years, moving quickly from a six month project to a position as their new full-time Human Resources Director. I never searched for another consulting client. As my first client offered me more and more hours and pay, and as my issues about selling myself remained unresolved, the temptation to stay in my comfortable corporate America job was too great.

It was only when I acquired a motivation strong enough to overcome my rejection phobia - the drive to publish my first book, HONEY, I WANT TO START MY OWN BUSINESS, that I was able, for the third and final time, to quit my corporate job and to become a successful entrepreneur. As a published author and speaker, I encountered plenty of rejection and criticism, but my motivation to succeed was strong enough to propel me to do the personal growth work necessary to become rejection-proof.

When I published my first book, I held my breath for months as reviews of my work showed up in publications I respected all over the country. Suddenly, because I had risen to the status of celebrity and national expert, I was frequently asked to be a guest on national radio and television programs. I stared at the camera lens, heart pounding, and tried not to think about thousands of people watching and evaluating my performance. As a columnist and publisher of three biweekly newsletters, I received daily mail from readers and subscribers who freely vocalized their opinions about whether my writings were meeting their needs, or were in concert with their point of view. When I spoke as a keynoter and seminar presenter at conventions around the country, my performance was evaluated by every person in the room, and often noted in written evaluations at the end of the program. It was like receiving a report-card at the end of every class.

Confronting my fears of rejection and criticism was the most significant challenge to my success as a self-employed professional. My career would have been flattened in a short time if I hadn't learned how to manage this emotional rollercoaster. I didn't have the luxury of years of therapy or months of coaching. I had to pull it off when my career demanded it - when my first book was launched on the national scene.

I still confront my dread of rejection and criticism every day. Though I project an air of self-confidence and command of my subject, behind the professional facade is a sensitive woman who cares deeply about pleasing her audience and meeting the expectations and needs of her clients and readers. I don't want to rid myself of that sensitivity - it's what makes my work unique and well-received in the entrepreneurial community. Instead, I have learned to harness the best of my responsive nature without letting this potential weakness demolish my entrepreneurial dreams.

Two pivotal moments in my career taught me a valuable lesson, and solidified my commitment to writing "STARTING FROM NO!"

In 1997, bleary-eyed at 6:00 AM, I logged on to my internet provider to respond to a few e-mail messages. The morning after I send out my biweekly on-line newsletter usually brings a slew of e-mail communications: I like to get an early start on those days. When I opened a message from a particularly devoted reader whom I have communicated with before, I was disturbed to read: "I just read your most recent newsletter. It isn't up to your standard. I know that you are busy but you really should be careful about rushing too much when you put the newsletter out." Reading further, I learned that she had not experienced the humor and helpful tips she was accustomed to receiving from my newsletter and she was displeased.

My reflexive response was to feel hurt, shame, and fear. The mental noise began immediately: "What if everyone on the newsletter list feels the same way? Maybe this issue isn't any good at all. Gee, I remember offering lots of helpful tips - what is she talking about?" I re-read her critique carefully, and then examined the newsletter. No typos, and filled with useful information, just like every issue. Had I fallen short in a larger way, or did I simply fail to meet this subscriber's preferences and needs in this particular issue?

My stomach churned as I moved on to read other awaiting email messages. I discovered quickly from other emails that my majordomo provider had only delivered half of this newsletter to subscribers. Other subscribers kindly said: "We love your newsletter so much, we don't want to miss any of it. Please send me the complete issue." The other woman assumed I had done a poor job and quickly criticized me, without giving me the benefit of the doubt. I took her criticism to heart, until I realized the source of the problem was her attitude and a problem in the newsletter's delivery, not in my performance. Like many people, my first assumption had been to worry that it was my fault - it was a relief to realize that the problem wasn't all me.

A few weeks later, I facilitated a weekend workshop for couples involved in a network marketing company. It was magic. Lots of fun, learning, insight and healing occurred. I received plenty of effusive appreciation throughout the day. The stack of evaluation forms read "nines" and "tens", and I felt great about the results of the seminar. What stuck with me for days, though, was a participant's comments on one evaluation form. She said one short sentence: "You need a new wardrobe." The rest of her evaluation form was extremely positive, but apparently, she didn't like my appearance. Did I need to buy a new wardrobe, or had I simply failed to meet this woman's standards for what a professional speaker should be wearing at this particular retreat? Maybe she didn't like the color blue, or perhaps she thought I was too thin, or too fat, or too pretty, or too ugly, or who knows what. I will never know what she was thinking when she made that statement on the form. For months following that statement, when I dressed for a public appearance, I would critique myself in the mirror through her eyes - and I don't even know who she is, or what her specific criticism was.

Despair washed over me for a period of time as I imagined thousands of clients, subscribers, readers, and audience members holding their personal standards up for me to maintain; looking at me with expectation and judgment as they cast their vote for what I should and shouldn't be writing, speaking, wearing, even thinking. How would I ever satisfy so many individual preferences? Would I ever be good enough? Then I realized: My subscriber had said: "This newsletter isn't up to your standard" - but it was. The seminar participant had said: "I don't like the way you are dressed." On that particular day, I was wearing one of my favorite dresses, and I felt beautiful. As an entrepreneur, I set my own standards, and I realized I was satisfied with my performance in both of these instances.

For fifteen years as a Human Resources professional in large corporations, I was the "standards police-woman." I wrote all the company policies, and guided supervisors when they put employees on disciplinary warning for not abiding by those policies. The rules and expectations were fairly clear. If you didn't follow the company's stated expectations, you were out the door.

As a self-employed professional, the standards you set are mostly of your own making. Professional associations demand compliance with ethical standards of behavior. Other than that, you set expectations of yourself and then develop your own standards for measuring the success or failure of your efforts. Your colleagues give you a yardstick to measure yourself against, but comparisons can be misleading. When you are running a business or in the public eye, someone, somewhere will always have something critical to say about your work. You can't escape criticism, no matter how perfect you try to be. I finally learned to listen and evaluate criticism, take the best and learn from it, and leave the rest and move on. I can't please everyone with everything I do, and that is OK. It was when I really "got that," that I was propelled to write this book, to help others who are still quaking from their fear of rejection and criticism.

Perhaps you picked up this book because a paralyzing terror of rejection keeps you from selling, prospering and contributing your best to the world. Maybe prospecting strangers doesn't phase you, but you unravel when a customer or employee expresses a complaint. Even if you are wildly successful in your business, you might wish the sales and customer service process could be less distressful for you.

When you network at a Chamber of Commerce event, you aren't likely to be candid about your fears and struggles - you are intent on projecting an aura of self-confidence and success, and rightly so. When you reveal to a friend or spouse that you are undone by a customer's complaints, you are likely to receive well-meaning assurance like, "Don't worry about it. Who cares what they think. You're terrific!" It's hard for you to find emotional support and practical advice that will give you the key to unlock the issue that keeps you from reaching your full potential. Until now. You'll find plenty of what you need in this book.

When confronted with a deeply rooted fear or a formidable obstacle, most people abandon their dreams. I commend you for having the courage to face your greatest fears. The good news is that the fear of rejection is largely learned. What is learned can be unlearned. By reading STARTING FROM NO!" you will acquire new techniques for calming your mind and facing your fears without having a melt-down. You will learn from other business men and women how to create a business that minimizes the likelihood of rejection and complaints, even if you can't eliminate them altogether. You will better understand the source of your sensitivity, and what to do about it. Rejection will cease being a monster that can destroy you, taking its proper place among all of the other challenges of your day, like managing cash-flow, employee turnover, and product development. When rejection looses its emotional charge, you can function at your best. This book will help you do that.

So, let's go slay this dragon called "Rejection" - or perhaps come to peace with it instead.

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