"Love is not the overwhelming, blinding emotion we find in the world of fiction. Real love is an emotion that intensifies throughout life. It is the small, everyday acts of being together that make love flourish. It is sharing and caring and respecting one another. It is building a life together, a family and a home. As two lives unite to form one, over time, there is a point where each partner feels a part of the other, where each partner can no longer visualize life without the other at his or her side." Rebbe Menachem Mendel Schneerson

If you are reading this book to learn how to be independent, you can put it down now. Single people are independent; they eat what and when they choose, have an entire bed to themselves, and answer to no one but friends, a boss, and perhaps a dog. If you are married, your course is no longer yours to chart alone. Which is both the wonder and the burden of marriage - especially if you are a working wife.

I am, thank God, a prosperous, successful, and powerful woman. None of that happened while I was single. All the best parts of my life developed while I was married. Because I was married! In the spring of 2000, a woman I've never met accused me of setting the women's movement back twenty years by professing my ideas on marriage. Little old me, sitting in front of this computer. I never imagined I had such power! The same individual also suggested in not-so-nice language that I should do the world a favor and refrain from ever writing another word again.

The controversy that spawned this book began when I wrote three simple words in my then weekly column, "Balancing Act," for Fortune Small Business online. I addressed the subject of a working wife whose disgruntled husband was troubled that his wife made more money than he did. The FSB editor reported that the following few paragraphs from that column resulted in more mail than any other column since the inception of the FSB Web site!

Here are the precise words I wrote that created such a stir:

"Behind many successful business women are supportive husbands who offer emotional support, help with child rearing, and, most important, permission to succeed. Permission to succeed? Such an expression will raise the ire of the feminists of the world. Why should a woman need her husband's permission to succeed? Because if she doesn't receive it, implicitly or explicitly, she might sabotage her success. Many entrepreneurial women fear needing to choose between their marriage and a successful business.

"When a man cannot or will not support his wife's entrepreneurial aspirations, it is usually because he is scared. He's scared that she'll leave him if she doesn't need his money anymore, or that he's less of a man if he's not even earning as much as his wife, or that she won't be around to take care of him anymore. His fear comes across as resentment and lack of cooperation. She can't understand why he isn't happy with more money pouring into the household. She doesn't think it's fair, because she always supported his career goals. Many wives don't understand this basic principle that applies to many men.

"Who knew that these words would ignite such a firestorm? About one-third of the mail, from men and women, could be characterized as "Right on --thank you for saying what you did!" The other two-thirds of the mail expressed fury and disdain for my thoughts. Because I am a woman, I was viewed by many as a betrayer to the cause for women's equal rights.

At FSB's request, I went on to write a follow-up column, trying to defend myself and to vociferously argue my point. The furor made me wonder: Why do men and women have such trouble integrating a wife's career harmoniously into a marriage?

Here is a small sample of the angry letters I received from the original FSB article. They may help you understand why this issue touched a nerve.

>From Sofia: "My first reaction to your article "Wives with Big Paychecks" was anger and disgust. I don't classify myself as a "feminist," but I am becoming more and more aware of the inequality issues women face today, the same problems that have quietly plagued the female sex for hundreds of years. It both infuriates and saddens me that women like you are only helping to keep us in this struggle.

"In your article you wrote that women should ask their husbands for permission to succeed. Does the man own the woman? Should he have some kind of power over her? By asking his permission to succeed, the woman is placing herself below her husband. It is up to her whether or not she will succeed professionally -- it has nothing to do with her husband. These are ideas from the Stone Age! Are you worth as much as a human being as your husband? I ask you to ponder that question."

Okay, I did. The answer is yes. My worth as a human being has not been lowered by my decision to involve my husband in decisions about my work-life.

>From Bernice: "If you ask for your husband's permission, he might say no. Then what? I would never allow my husband to stop me nor boost up his ego by asking him. He is not my father; he is my partner!"

Exactly. True partners do not make independent decisions; they make interdependent decisions. As Dr. Robert Schwebel, author of, "Who's on Top, Who's on Bottom," writes: "If you want to get exactly what you want every time, if you want to stay in charge of everything, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. You should be single."

>From Elvira: "Give me a break! The fact that I have succeeded in my pursuits would not cause me to obtain a condescending nod from my spouse. If he has problems with my success, he needs to look at himself, and not expect me to become subservient to his immaturity."

Yes, he needs to look in the mirror, but so do you. It is not condescending to you as a married woman to make career decisions with your marriage and family in mind. It is condescending to your husband to suggest that he is being immature if he expresses concerns about how your work-life will affect him.

To prosper, a woman needs her own permission more than anyone else's. If she is married to an unsupportive or ambivalent man, she might hold herself back for fear of ruining her marriage. Other women may think, "The hell with him. If he can't handle it, too bad." But I offer another strategy. A woman can communicate with her husband in a self-respecting way so that she can gain his acceptance and approval. She may never hear the words "I give you permission to prosper, dear," but her husband's actions will communicate an implicit acceptance and even celebration of her success.

I am not suggesting that you literally ask your husband for his permission to prosper. I intend to teach you how to gain your husband's buy-in and lower his resistance to the issues in marriage that your work creates. You may be furious that women might even consider pandering to men or getting some Neanderthal's permission to succeed. If so, is your anger working for you? You might rant that my ideas disempower women, but they do just the opposite. You can gripe about men, or you can learn to live well with the man you have.

If your husband needs some reassurance to handle your success, and you want to be married to him and be successful, you have three choices: 1. Have an unhappy husband --too bad for him. 2. Sabotage your success so you don't lose your marriage. 3. Find ways to lessen your husband's grumpiness and fear so that you don't have to sacrifice your career for your marriage.

You don't need my help with numbers one and two; this book will show you how to make choice number three work for you.

Last but not least, from Natalie: "Your comments are so offensive I can barely even begin to express my thoughts. This doesn't just anger feminists; it should anger everyone. May I suggest that you carefully study women's history and think about what it meant to our society when women were nothing more than their husbands' property? I hope that your husband continues to let you succeed, but if he doesn't, I hope that keeps you from printing such terrible advice. I will certainly never spend my money on anything you have penned."

Oh, well, looks like I lost a customer. By the way, my husband doesn't "let" me succeed. He celebrates, endorses, and encourages me, and he makes sacrifices to support my career. And I do the same for him. In a healthy, loving marriage with two partners who respect each other, each checks in with the other before making any major decision affecting the marriage.

However, Natalie's suggestion to look at women's history is a good one. A century ago, women couldn't vote, become educated, or work in a profession outside of their homes. When they did work off the farm, it was mind-numbing, tedious, sweaty factory work. They risked their lives to give birth, and they devoted their days and nights to their husbands and children.

My mother was an elementary school teacher. In fact, almost all of the working mothers back then were teachers or nurses. The joke was that you went to college for your teaching or nursing degree, but you were really going for your "Mrs." degree. Often, the women of that generation stopped working once they met "Mr. Right," or, like my mom, they worked in a family friendly career with mothers' hours.

It was the wife's unquestioned responsibility to care for the family while the husband devoted his full attention and energy to earning a living. When I grew up, I saw little of my entrepreneur father --and this was normal. Nowadays it's not so fashionable for Dad to be absent from home for most of his children's early lives.

Yes, women have come a long way. Today the majority of college students are women. Virtually every career is now accessible to both men and women, even though some careers remain classically male-dominated. One-third of all businesses are started by women, and in a third of all marriages the wife earns more than her husband does. Only one out of five households still has only one wage earner, compared with two-thirds in the 1950s.

The glass ceiling still bangs many a good woman on the head. There is much progress still to be made toward equal pay and opportunity in the higher echelons of America. We're not where we want to be -- complete access and equality at work --but compared with the lives of our mothers and grandmothers, we're moving at lightning speed. It could be better, but at the same time it's never been better for working wives at work.

Unfortunately, the situation often isn't so rosy at home. Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women, and the correlation between (and, some believe, causation of) the skyrocketing divorce rate (over 50 percent) and women's financial independence is well-documented. A woman now has the power to walk out of a bad marriage. She has permission to prosper on her own, instead of needing a man to take care of her. If her "needs aren't being met" and she's disappointed in her mate, there's better than a one out of two chance that the marriage will disintegrate. She is more likely now to have started a career before even having married, and since the average life span has increased from fifty years to nearly eighty, a marriage has to be a lot stronger to last a lifetime.

Many of us don't marry for a lifetime anymore. We want to live with our spouse only as long as it continues to feel good. If we don't like the way he acts, we'll upgrade to a better model. When the second marriage turns out not to be much better than the first, we are hopeful that the third time will do the trick. I am married to a man who divorced after many years of marriage and married me in his forties. Believe me, I'm all in favor of divorce and remarriage in certain circumstances, but regrettably, we've taken easy access to divorce to the extreme.

The Judeo-Christian bible contains a beautiful metaphor: Adam and Eve, formed by God as one flesh and separated only after they had started off as one combined human being. Now we women have become so committed to our independence that we no longer know how to be "one" with our husbands. We have radically changed our orientation toward work, but we're not so certain what we want from our marriages.

Working wives can't figure out why their husbands haven't yet gotten with the program. These men know it's not politically correct to admit their ambivalence or pain about their wives' careers, so they profess support -- but then complain when dinner isn't on the table. They say, "Sure, honey, go for that promotion! I'm behind you all the way." And then "Wait a minute. What do you mean I can't play golf on Saturday because I have to watch the kids?"

Women may declare their financial independence from their husbands, but many still crave being taken care of financially -- and they are ashamed of this fantasy. Most women want full access to any profession they might choose. But a fair number of us, though we hate to admit it, want our pursuit of that profession to be optional.

We want to say: "I don't really have to work because my husband takes such good care of our family, but I choose to work because it gives my life greater meaning and joy." Cheryl, a woman who shared with me her struggles to accept marrying a high school -educated laborer who adored her, treated her like gold, but couldn't financially provide for her without help, admits:

"I came to believe that among all the other ephemeral beliefs that society places upon women, one of the strongest is to find and marry the rich doctor and live happily ever after. We all want to have an easy life; many of us fantasize about not having to work (which is a different thing altogether from choosing to work). We stubbornly hope that money, prestige, and a life of entitlement will naturally beget happiness, much the same way we once insisted we had to have only name-brand clothing to be accepted in high school."

Women want full empowerment, as in freedom of choice and lack of discrimination. But lest we start whining about how slow the men have been to accept their new role as equal partner, we must acknowledge that our mixed messages are confusing our husbands. We still want our husbands to provide for us, even when we can provide for ourselves. We want our husbands to change and not change at the same time. No wonder they are confused and angry. So are we.

Let me ask you this: Is your fury and frustration with men getting you what you want? Are you happy in your marriage? Will your marriage last? Is yelling, complaining, whining, and giving your husband the silent treatment bringing you nearer to a close, intimate marriage and a thriving career? Do you really think it's just a matter of waiting for the men to catch up to our new, clearly superior way of conducting a marriage?

In five years, or even ten, do you think that the proportion of men (now 8 percent) who take care of children full-time while their wives earn the family income will double, or even triple? How much change can a marriage absorb without straining from the pressure? In too many marriages, men and women are fighting more, loving less, and feeling perpetually dissatisfied. Working wives and dual-career marriages are here to stay. We have to figure out a way to take care of our marriage while --not instead of --nurturing a career.

William Doherty, author of the insightful and provocative book Take Back Your Marriage, teaches:

"People turn a critical eye on their marriage and spouse because their mate is a poor marital service provider and they fear that the original purchase was a mistake. Our consumer culture teaches that we are all entitled to an exciting marriage and great sex life and if we don't get both, we are deprived. The consumer attitude turns marital disappointments into marital tragedies and constructive efforts for improvement into entitled demands for change. We speak of personal desires as if they are constitutional rights."

We are often so obsessed with personal freedom and entitlement that it's no wonder the concept of permission to prosper generates an emotional reaction. But does any married person have the right to choose, with no obstacles or considerations, how he or she will live life? We'll discuss the answer to this question in chapter 1.

I assure you, nothing I will say in this book is antithetical to a woman's ability to create an empowered, meaningful, intimate life full of choices and opportunities. The question is this: How do we achieve a level playing field at the office without leveling (that is, destroying) our marriages in the process? Men need our compassion, forgiveness, and commitment. We need to teach them how to support us in the ways we need. We must also return the favor. We must work this out together, with our spouses. Our children are depending on it. And so are our businesses and careers.

A husband's support makes a huge difference in a woman's career. A working wife with a supportive husband is like a rocket ship. Her husband is filled with pride and joy. He is her safe place to land as well as her launch pad. She can soar without him --maybe even in spite of him --but with him is definitely better.

[sidebar] "If my wife made more money than me, I'd rejoice! I'd slaughter the fatted calf, buy a new car, and enjoy replacing shoes more often than every three years." W. Browne [end sidebar]

Traditional wisdom says, "When Mama's happy, everyone is happy. When Mama ain't happy, no one is happy." That might be true, but I'd add, "When Papa ain't happy, Mama ain't happy, so if we want Mama to be happy, we've gotta figure out a way to help Papa feel happy, too." In a close, loving marriage, Mama won't relish her happiness if what she's doing to get happy makes Papa unhappy.

Chuck completed my research survey with this simple suggestion, repeated by countless others who responded to my questions. If you are a woman married to a man who is suffering anxiety about your career commitments, Chuck insists, "Dump the insecure gentleman and get yourself a real man."

Ah, and exactly what is a real man? He'll eat quiche, rub your shoulders when they hurt, high five you when you make your first million, and take the kids for the weekend so that you can go away with the girls to the spa? Sounds good. But there are lots of "real men" who don't fit this description, and they are still decent, loving husbands and fathers.

Do you know what scared me the most about the multitude of surveys returned to me? The number of men and women who repeated this sentiment: "If your husband can't handle your career, he's a jerk. Leave him and find someone better."

If you are married to a verbally, physically, or sexually abusive husband, do not ask for his permission to prosper. Get help, and get out of that marriage. But if, like most of us, you are married to a true mortal -- a man who carries love for you in his heart, right alongside his fears, insecurities, frustrations, and at times selfish attitudes --there is plenty you can do besides leave him. You can radically transform your marriage from a source of tension to a haven of support. Read on: It's not as hard as you think.