| Introduction:
How This Book Came to Be
"Love
is not the overwhelming, blinding emotion we find in
the world of fiction. Real love is an emotion that intensifies
throughout life. It is the small, everyday acts of being
together that make love flourish. It is sharing and
caring and respecting one another. It is building a
life together, a family and a home. As two lives unite
to form one, over time, there is a point where each
partner feels a part of the other, where each partner
can no longer visualize life without the other at his
or her side." Rebbe Menachem Mendel Schneerson
If
you are reading this book to learn how to be independent,
you can put it down now. Single people are independent;
they eat what and when they choose, have an entire bed
to themselves, and answer to no one but friends, a boss,
and perhaps a dog. If you are married, your course is
no longer yours to chart alone. Which is both the wonder
and the burden of marriage - especially if you are a
working wife.
I
am, thank God, a prosperous, successful, and powerful
woman. None of that happened while I was single. All
the best parts of my life developed while I was married.
Because I was married! In the spring of 2000, a woman
I've never met accused me of setting the women's movement
back twenty years by professing my ideas on marriage.
Little old me, sitting in front of this computer. I
never imagined I had such power! The same individual
also suggested in not-so-nice language that I should
do the world a favor and refrain from ever writing another
word again.
The
controversy that spawned this book began when I wrote
three simple words in my then weekly column, "Balancing
Act," for Fortune Small Business online. I addressed
the subject of a working wife whose disgruntled husband
was troubled that his wife made more money than he did.
The FSB editor reported that the following few paragraphs
from that column resulted in more mail than any other
column since the inception of the FSB Web site!
Here
are the precise words I wrote that created such a stir:
"Behind
many successful business women are supportive husbands
who offer emotional support, help with child rearing,
and, most important, permission to succeed. Permission
to succeed? Such an expression will raise the ire of
the feminists of the world. Why should a woman need
her husband's permission to succeed? Because if she
doesn't receive it, implicitly or explicitly, she might
sabotage her success. Many entrepreneurial women fear
needing to choose between their marriage and a successful
business.
"When
a man cannot or will not support his wife's entrepreneurial
aspirations, it is usually because he is scared. He's
scared that she'll leave him if she doesn't need his
money anymore, or that he's less of a man if he's not
even earning as much as his wife, or that she won't
be around to take care of him anymore. His fear comes
across as resentment and lack of cooperation. She can't
understand why he isn't happy with more money pouring
into the household. She doesn't think it's fair, because
she always supported his career goals. Many wives don't
understand this basic principle that applies to many
men.
"Who
knew that these words would ignite such a firestorm?
About one-third of the mail, from men and women, could
be characterized as "Right on --thank you for saying
what you did!" The other two-thirds of the mail
expressed fury and disdain for my thoughts. Because
I am a woman, I was viewed by many as a betrayer to
the cause for women's equal rights.
At
FSB's request, I went on to write a follow-up column,
trying to defend myself and to vociferously argue my
point. The furor made me wonder: Why do men and women
have such trouble integrating a wife's career harmoniously
into a marriage?
Here
is a small sample of the angry letters I received from
the original FSB article. They may help you understand
why this issue touched a nerve.
>From
Sofia: "My first reaction to your article "Wives
with Big Paychecks" was anger and disgust. I don't
classify myself as a "feminist," but I am
becoming more and more aware of the inequality issues
women face today, the same problems that have quietly
plagued the female sex for hundreds of years. It both
infuriates and saddens me that women like you are only
helping to keep us in this struggle.
"In
your article you wrote that women should ask their husbands
for permission to succeed. Does the man own the woman?
Should he have some kind of power over her? By asking
his permission to succeed, the woman is placing herself
below her husband. It is up to her whether or not she
will succeed professionally -- it has nothing to do
with her husband. These are ideas from the Stone Age!
Are you worth as much as a human being as your husband?
I ask you to ponder that question."
Okay,
I did. The answer is yes. My worth as a human being
has not been lowered by my decision to involve my husband
in decisions about my work-life.
>From
Bernice: "If you ask for your husband's permission,
he might say no. Then what? I would never allow my husband
to stop me nor boost up his ego by asking him. He is
not my father; he is my partner!"
Exactly.
True partners do not make independent decisions; they
make interdependent decisions. As Dr. Robert Schwebel,
author of, "Who's on Top, Who's on Bottom,"
writes: "If you want to get exactly what you want
every time, if you want to stay in charge of everything,
then you shouldn't be in a relationship. You should
be single."
>From
Elvira: "Give me a break! The fact that I have
succeeded in my pursuits would not cause me to obtain
a condescending nod from my spouse. If he has problems
with my success, he needs to look at himself, and not
expect me to become subservient to his immaturity."
Yes,
he needs to look in the mirror, but so do you. It is
not condescending to you as a married woman to make
career decisions with your marriage and family in mind.
It is condescending to your husband to suggest that
he is being immature if he expresses concerns about
how your work-life will affect him.
To
prosper, a woman needs her own permission more than
anyone else's. If she is married to an unsupportive
or ambivalent man, she might hold herself back for fear
of ruining her marriage. Other women may think, "The
hell with him. If he can't handle it, too bad."
But I offer another strategy. A woman can communicate
with her husband in a self-respecting way so that she
can gain his acceptance and approval. She may never
hear the words "I give you permission to prosper,
dear," but her husband's actions will communicate
an implicit acceptance and even celebration of her success.
I
am not suggesting that you literally ask your husband
for his permission to prosper. I intend to teach you
how to gain your husband's buy-in and lower his resistance
to the issues in marriage that your work creates. You
may be furious that women might even consider pandering
to men or getting some Neanderthal's permission to succeed.
If so, is your anger working for you? You might rant
that my ideas disempower women, but they do just the
opposite. You can gripe about men, or you can learn
to live well with the man you have.
If
your husband needs some reassurance to handle your success,
and you want to be married to him and be successful,
you have three choices: 1. Have an unhappy husband --too
bad for him. 2. Sabotage your success so you don't lose
your marriage. 3. Find ways to lessen your husband's
grumpiness and fear so that you don't have to sacrifice
your career for your marriage.
You
don't need my help with numbers one and two; this book
will show you how to make choice number three work for
you.
Last
but not least, from Natalie: "Your comments are
so offensive I can barely even begin to express my thoughts.
This doesn't just anger feminists; it should anger everyone.
May I suggest that you carefully study women's history
and think about what it meant to our society when women
were nothing more than their husbands' property? I hope
that your husband continues to let you succeed, but
if he doesn't, I hope that keeps you from printing such
terrible advice. I will certainly never spend my money
on anything you have penned."
Oh,
well, looks like I lost a customer. By the way, my husband
doesn't "let" me succeed. He celebrates, endorses,
and encourages me, and he makes sacrifices to support
my career. And I do the same for him. In a healthy,
loving marriage with two partners who respect each other,
each checks in with the other before making any major
decision affecting the marriage.
However,
Natalie's suggestion to look at women's history is a
good one. A century ago, women couldn't vote, become
educated, or work in a profession outside of their homes.
When they did work off the farm, it was mind-numbing,
tedious, sweaty factory work. They risked their lives
to give birth, and they devoted their days and nights
to their husbands and children.
My
mother was an elementary school teacher. In fact, almost
all of the working mothers back then were teachers or
nurses. The joke was that you went to college for your
teaching or nursing degree, but you were really going
for your "Mrs." degree. Often, the women of
that generation stopped working once they met "Mr.
Right," or, like my mom, they worked in a family
friendly career with mothers' hours.
It
was the wife's unquestioned responsibility to care for
the family while the husband devoted his full attention
and energy to earning a living. When I grew up, I saw
little of my entrepreneur father --and this was normal.
Nowadays it's not so fashionable for Dad to be absent
from home for most of his children's early lives.
Yes,
women have come a long way. Today the majority of college
students are women. Virtually every career is now accessible
to both men and women, even though some careers remain
classically male-dominated. One-third of all businesses
are started by women, and in a third of all marriages
the wife earns more than her husband does. Only one
out of five households still has only one wage earner,
compared with two-thirds in the 1950s.
The
glass ceiling still bangs many a good woman on the head.
There is much progress still to be made toward equal
pay and opportunity in the higher echelons of America.
We're not where we want to be -- complete access and
equality at work --but compared with the lives of our
mothers and grandmothers, we're moving at lightning
speed. It could be better, but at the same time it's
never been better for working wives at work.
Unfortunately,
the situation often isn't so rosy at home. Two-thirds
of all divorces are initiated by women, and the correlation
between (and, some believe, causation of) the skyrocketing
divorce rate (over 50 percent) and women's financial
independence is well-documented. A woman now has the
power to walk out of a bad marriage. She has permission
to prosper on her own, instead of needing a man to take
care of her. If her "needs aren't being met"
and she's disappointed in her mate, there's better than
a one out of two chance that the marriage will disintegrate.
She is more likely now to have started a career before
even having married, and since the average life span
has increased from fifty years to nearly eighty, a marriage
has to be a lot stronger to last a lifetime.
Many
of us don't marry for a lifetime anymore. We want to
live with our spouse only as long as it continues to
feel good. If we don't like the way he acts, we'll upgrade
to a better model. When the second marriage turns out
not to be much better than the first, we are hopeful
that the third time will do the trick. I am married
to a man who divorced after many years of marriage and
married me in his forties. Believe me, I'm all in favor
of divorce and remarriage in certain circumstances,
but regrettably, we've taken easy access to divorce
to the extreme.
The
Judeo-Christian bible contains a beautiful metaphor:
Adam and Eve, formed by God as one flesh and separated
only after they had started off as one combined human
being. Now we women have become so committed to our
independence that we no longer know how to be "one"
with our husbands. We have radically changed our orientation
toward work, but we're not so certain what we want from
our marriages.
Working
wives can't figure out why their husbands haven't yet
gotten with the program. These men know it's not politically
correct to admit their ambivalence or pain about their
wives' careers, so they profess support -- but then
complain when dinner isn't on the table. They say, "Sure,
honey, go for that promotion! I'm behind you all the
way." And then "Wait a minute. What do you
mean I can't play golf on Saturday because I have to
watch the kids?"
Women
may declare their financial independence from their
husbands, but many still crave being taken care of financially
-- and they are ashamed of this fantasy. Most women
want full access to any profession they might choose.
But a fair number of us, though we hate to admit it,
want our pursuit of that profession to be optional.
We
want to say: "I don't really have to work because
my husband takes such good care of our family, but I
choose to work because it gives my life greater meaning
and joy." Cheryl, a woman who shared with me her
struggles to accept marrying a high school -educated
laborer who adored her, treated her like gold, but couldn't
financially provide for her without help, admits:
"I
came to believe that among all the other ephemeral beliefs
that society places upon women, one of the strongest
is to find and marry the rich doctor and live happily
ever after. We all want to have an easy life; many of
us fantasize about not having to work (which is a different
thing altogether from choosing to work). We stubbornly
hope that money, prestige, and a life of entitlement
will naturally beget happiness, much the same way we
once insisted we had to have only name-brand clothing
to be accepted in high school."
Women
want full empowerment, as in freedom of choice and lack
of discrimination. But lest we start whining about how
slow the men have been to accept their new role as equal
partner, we must acknowledge that our mixed messages
are confusing our husbands. We still want our husbands
to provide for us, even when we can provide for ourselves.
We want our husbands to change and not change at the
same time. No wonder they are confused and angry. So
are we.
Let
me ask you this: Is your fury and frustration with men
getting you what you want? Are you happy in your marriage?
Will your marriage last? Is yelling, complaining, whining,
and giving your husband the silent treatment bringing
you nearer to a close, intimate marriage and a thriving
career? Do you really think it's just a matter of waiting
for the men to catch up to our new, clearly superior
way of conducting a marriage?
In
five years, or even ten, do you think that the proportion
of men (now 8 percent) who take care of children full-time
while their wives earn the family income will double,
or even triple? How much change can a marriage absorb
without straining from the pressure? In too many marriages,
men and women are fighting more, loving less, and feeling
perpetually dissatisfied. Working wives and dual-career
marriages are here to stay. We have to figure out a
way to take care of our marriage while --not instead
of --nurturing a career.
William
Doherty, author of the insightful and provocative book
Take Back Your Marriage, teaches:
"People
turn a critical eye on their marriage and spouse because
their mate is a poor marital service provider and they
fear that the original purchase was a mistake. Our consumer
culture teaches that we are all entitled to an exciting
marriage and great sex life and if we don't get both,
we are deprived. The consumer attitude turns marital
disappointments into marital tragedies and constructive
efforts for improvement into entitled demands for change.
We speak of personal desires as if they are constitutional
rights."
We
are often so obsessed with personal freedom and entitlement
that it's no wonder the concept of permission to prosper
generates an emotional reaction. But does any married
person have the right to choose, with no obstacles or
considerations, how he or she will live life? We'll
discuss the answer to this question in chapter 1.
I
assure you, nothing I will say in this book is antithetical
to a woman's ability to create an empowered, meaningful,
intimate life full of choices and opportunities. The
question is this: How do we achieve a level playing
field at the office without leveling (that is, destroying)
our marriages in the process? Men need our compassion,
forgiveness, and commitment. We need to teach them how
to support us in the ways we need. We must also return
the favor. We must work this out together, with our
spouses. Our children are depending on it. And so are
our businesses and careers.
A
husband's support makes a huge difference in a woman's
career. A working wife with a supportive husband is
like a rocket ship. Her husband is filled with pride
and joy. He is her safe place to land as well as her
launch pad. She can soar without him --maybe even in
spite of him --but with him is definitely better.
[sidebar]
"If my wife made more money than me, I'd rejoice!
I'd slaughter the fatted calf, buy a new car, and enjoy
replacing shoes more often than every three years."
W. Browne [end sidebar]
Traditional
wisdom says, "When Mama's happy, everyone is happy.
When Mama ain't happy, no one is happy." That might
be true, but I'd add, "When Papa ain't happy, Mama
ain't happy, so if we want Mama to be happy, we've gotta
figure out a way to help Papa feel happy, too."
In a close, loving marriage, Mama won't relish her happiness
if what she's doing to get happy makes Papa unhappy.
Chuck
completed my research survey with this simple suggestion,
repeated by countless others who responded to my questions.
If you are a woman married to a man who is suffering
anxiety about your career commitments, Chuck insists,
"Dump the insecure gentleman and get yourself a
real man."
Ah,
and exactly what is a real man? He'll eat quiche, rub
your shoulders when they hurt, high five you when you
make your first million, and take the kids for the weekend
so that you can go away with the girls to the spa? Sounds
good. But there are lots of "real men" who
don't fit this description, and they are still decent,
loving husbands and fathers.
Do
you know what scared me the most about the multitude
of surveys returned to me? The number of men and women
who repeated this sentiment: "If your husband can't
handle your career, he's a jerk. Leave him and find
someone better."
If
you are married to a verbally, physically, or sexually
abusive husband, do not ask for his permission to prosper.
Get help, and get out of that marriage. But if, like
most of us, you are married to a true mortal -- a man
who carries love for you in his heart, right alongside
his fears, insecurities, frustrations, and at times
selfish attitudes --there is plenty you can do besides
leave him. You can radically transform your marriage
from a source of tension to a haven of support. Read
on: It's not as hard as you think.
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